This is part of a series of short poems called “Scraps.” I took the first word that my phones autocorrect thought I would write with a letter. In this case it was B and the word was ‘Bridges’. I then wrote the first thing that came into my mind.
And as the bridge beneath us
Broke
And i
Fell
You caught me
And we built another bridge
Which will never break
Since we built it on our love.
It started with her
When she said,
“You will be with him
You should be with him
You probably will be with him”
And since then
The possibilities
Have overwhelmed me
They have taken over me
Forget about reality,
I now live in a fantasy
Where you look at me
And smile.
With the rain
Came this feeling
Of being clean for the first time
It was like the rain washed you away
And when the rain took you
It took layers of me too
And for the first time
I felt bare
With no walls to protect me
I did not sit and cower
I rose
Like a phoenix from the ashes
I rose
And even if I emerged as a new person
This new person
Is fully me
There is no trace of you left on me
I am a new slate
I am clean.
Song- Clean by Taylor Swift
I haven’t been able to finish a book for three months
And I am unable to listen to any new music now
I am watching my soul slowly sink in the quick sand
And I can do nothing
Except for
Watch it disappear.
All I am looking forward to is change
I have convinced myself that as winter fades
So will my depression
And I will emerge as a new person in summer
But its hard to change
When people’s perceptions don’t
And its hard to change
Without mourning the person I will leave behind.
I am unable to enjoy the things I used too
And I don’t know whether that’s my fault.
Writing used to be something I do for fun
Now
This is how I save myself
This is how I survive
This is how I keep my soul from attacking itself
My pen is my razor, my pills, my noose
I’m not sure if its killing me
Or keeping me alive.
Its like I’m in a cage of my own invention
And as I watch everyone else live
I wonder
Why am I not feeling those things?
And I’m in a cage of my own invention
And
There is no way out.
Maybe his love faded like winter does
It took some time
And the days became brighter for him
He started shedding his covers
It happened so slowly
He wasn’t even sure it was real
He refused to believe it was
He kept his coat close
He kept me close
But then one day
It was just too hot to deny it
Summer had come
And my time had ended
Or maybe it was like lightning
It happened one day while walking back home
A flash of enlightment
And that’s it
He knew he couldn’t deny it
The rain would come
And I would go.
Me telling you about my poetry
Is me handing you the key to heart
It is me telling you I am a mess but you are one of the things that keep me afloat
When I tell you about my poetry
Don’t laugh at me
I just gave you my soul
Do not laugh when you see my darkness
When you read about yourself
Hear me apologise a million times
Repeat after me:
My poetry is an outlet.
My poetry is exaggerated.
My poetry saved me.
My poetry does not mean I hate you.
If I send you poetry
Remember I probably am feeling sad at that moment
Don’t mention my sadness
If I am always sending you poetry
I may be depressed
You can do nothing about it
When you read my poetry
You read my thoughts at 2am
You read what I feel when silence surrounds me
Help me keep the silence away
When I tell you about my poetry
Do not laugh at me
Do not say ‘that’s cute’
Do not say my life is not worth writing about
When I tell you about my poetry
I hand you the key to my soul
Don’t break the lock just to spite me
Do not smash the key.
If I tell you about my poetry,
You are one of the things that keep me afloat
Do not let me sink
Dear friend,
Every time you look in the mirror realise you are beautiful. Realise that I don’t have that advantage.
Dear friend,
I am there for you through everything you will ever go through. Know that my love is unconditional. Realise that I know yours isn’t.
Dear friend,
Know that you are worth so much more than seeing me sad for absolutely no reason. Realise that I will understand if you walk away from me.
Dear friend,
Feel free to assure yourself I’m fine. I’ll go along with it for you. Realise that I will never make you pretend to be something you’re not.
Dear friend,
Realise that I love you forever. Know that I know you don’t feel the same about me.
Loneliness now accompanies me
Everywhere I go
It’s that silent companion
Letting me know I am alone
Anxiety is my best friend
It creates all my problems
And sticks with me through them all
I need it but it wants me too
It just can’t let me go
Depression is my love
Kisses me hard
Holds me close
Tells me I’m worthless
And that I will not survive
They are the golden trio
Without them I am nothing
They shaped my personality
And I cannot give them up.
Brilliance is an art,
Learnt before I’m old enough to realize what the word means.
Brilliance is an act,
It’s playing a part, and doing it well.
Shrinking is an habit,
Learnt before you realize what’s wrong.
Wrong
Is when all I want is someone to care,
And all I get is,
Indifference.
It’s been a year since anything important happened to me
Like you
And as of now
I live in the past
Because all I want is to go back to our 10pm conversations
Or go through the whirlwind memories we created
2014 was me shrinking
2014 was the year I told myself I grew
2014 was the year I learnt the words anxiety and depression
It was the year I realized my body is mine
My brain is mine
And I might not want any of it
It was also the year I realized
Everyone likes me
But nobody cares
And,
I just want to go back to the time I felt loved and I felt wanted and I felt fucking invincible in your arms and I don’t want to grow up, I don’t want to be alone. All I want every night is for you to remind me why I should love myself because darling I’ve forgotten half the list already.
2014 was me tricking myself into thinking I was fine
And I would like to begin 2015 by saying I may not be.
