Not Answering

I want you to know
That over the past few months
I have fallen for you
Head over flat slippers
(I don’t wear heels, you see)
And I now go to sleep
Only after imagining a situation involving you
That I know will never come true
And I know I fall in love with the idea of people
Much too often
But to me, the idea of you
The essence of you
Feels like rainy storms and summer nights
Like fireflies and after eights
You’re pop songs being sung in loud discordant voices and 2AM conversations
And I know I am rambling
But that’s what you make me feel
That’s what you make me do
But I just wanted you to know
That every answer you don’t give
Drives another nail into the coffin of our relationship
(And my heart, but you probably don’t care about the mess it is now)
And not answering isn’t helping anyone
I just want you to know
That the essence of not answering
Is mayhem and confusion
All I want is clarity
Clarity on where we stand
Clarity on who I am to you and who you want me to be
Not answering just leaves space for questions
Not answering makes me question everything I ever said
Not answering doesn’t help anyone
If you’re breaking my heart, tell me first
(I like to have control over little things like
Who I loan my heart out to)
Over the past few months
I have fallen for you
Head over flat slippers
And I hope you fall for me too
But if you don’t
Don’t not answer
Because out of all the ways you could break my heart
That hurts the most
The fact that
I didn’t matter enough
For you to answer
So I just want you to know
I am awaiting answers

Levels

I divided my self into levels when I was twelve
And ever since then whenever I meet people
I greet them like they’re entering a lift
‘Welcome to level one’ I say
‘Enjoy your stay here’
‘If you want to move forward, you just need to show me I can trust you’
Whenever I meet someone new
I think about them for days
I think about whether they’re at level one
Or at the level where I don’t care yet
Whether they will be the ones to finally save me
Whenever I meet someone new
I imagine showing them the intricacies of my soul
I never do, of course
Because they need to pass the levels first
I divided myself into levels when I was twelve
After I witnessed three funerals
The levels dictate how I behave
They make my life easier
They make it easier to pretend
I divided my soul into three levels some time ago
And I am yet to meet someone
Who is willing to see them all
Who is there, unconditionally
And I don’t blame people, I really don’t
I just long for what could’ve been
I just wish I could take someone straight to level three
And begin from the end
But alas, the levels are there for a reason
And the lift can’t bypass any
So I just wait for someone
Someone to stay long enough for the lift to reach level three
I divided my soul when I was twelve
And I’ve regretted it many times since
But never enough to remove them
Never enough to get rid of this system
Never enough to showcase my soul
I divided my soul when I was twelve
And I have stayed within the restraints my past self placed on me
I have never broken my chains
Instead, I walk into the cage my past made for me
Every single day