habit/ 63

There’s this habit that 

follows me all day long, watches

me trip over my own tongue

till the only words that

can be heard are the ones I’m

regurgitating from the past, 

you see, I’ve always had

trouble adapting so sometimes

I just dont, I just carry 

home around till nostalgia is

is a noose around my foolish

neck, you see, I turned longing

into a lifestyle and now I’m 

stuck in a rendition of a past

I’m ready to forget, but 

there’s this habit that 

follows me all day long, and

I don’t think I’m strong enough

to ask it to leave, don’t think

I’m strong enough to

douse it in gasoline, don’t

think I’m strong enough

to leave it in the past.

existing/ 62

Sometimes existing feels like/ holding my own head under water/ trying to breathe/ but/ drowning instead/ sometimes/ existing feels like choosing to be shot at/ when/ I could have just swallowed some pills/  sometimes/ existing just seems like/ the harder option

high tide panic/ 61

I’m sick of my mind, sick of

its inability to let me live, sick of

the worry that envelopes it, the

panic that chains it, I’m sick 

of me, sick of dreaming of

cutting myself, sick of trying

to make myself smaller, sick

of shaking hands and a 

good for nothing body, I’m sick

of this life, it fits like a shirt 

that shrunk in the wash, which

is to say, I can’t fit into it 

without ripping it, and so I’m 

sick of it, sick of calling myself

a poet but being unable to 

write, sick of trying to be good

at things, and failing, I’m sick

of thinking so much. All I 

want is for my mind to fall silent,

for the incessant demons to 

cease their talk for a minute,

all I want is to be able to breathe

without feeling like I’m drowning.

All I want is to feel calm, instead

all I feel is high tide panic, all

I see are the waves, preparing

to overwhelm me.

reminder/ 60

I’ve lost count now, lost count

of the number of times I’ve looked

at you and smiled, of the number

of times you said something

and my heart dropped seven

stories down, lost count of

how many times I’ve wanted to

kiss you, wanted to hold you,

wanted to be near you, guess

this love is no longer quantifiable,

and that’s okay, because even

as the numbers elude me,

you stay- In my head, memories

with you bloom so often now,

it feels like spring even in this

parched weather, and I guess 

that’s how I feel about you, like

you’re a pleasant reminder that

this life, this life is not all bad.

metaphors/ 59

So a pair of too tight jeans fit

me perfectly now, and I see it 

as a metaphor for growth. 

See it as a metaphor for

evolution, when truly it’s just 

me going backwards, me

shrinking, me falling into 

a pattern that’s more dangerous

than I even know. Guess it’s

a metaphor for being unhealthy, but

my butterfly body doesn’t care,

it’s too afraid to fly so it lets

it’s wings droop, frail from 

disuse, and I don’t eat- let 

this be a metaphor for peeling

away my skin like I’m a fruit, for

shaving my soul just to make it

weigh a little less, let this be 

a metaphor for fading away.

30 of 30!!/ today/ 58

This day ends with the quiet

dignity of time spent well, it

fades into the blackness of

my memories from where it’ll

soon disappear, and the 

excitement I’ve felt today will

soon evaporate in this 

summer heat, replaced with the

weariness of a life lived too long, 

but it doesn’t matter because

even when this day is forgotten,

it will still have existed, even

when I fade into obscurity, 

no one will be able to take away 

who I was, because the truth is

human beings fiddle with the

future like it’s a toy, they tie 

Destiny’s hands together and

call their own shots, but

no matter how much they

try, the past is just not as

malleable, so even though they

have taken away my future, 

they’ll never take away my past.

28 of 30/ sleep/ 56

sleep beckons me like a siren,

I hear it’s call everywhere I go

pulling my weary body towards it,

it never stops, so now it’s just

another daily noise I’m 

accustomed to, another 

disappointed murmur I’ve learnt to 

ignore, because as much as I 

want to succumb to it’s lullaby,

I have things to do, places to be,

this world doesn’t stop for

mental health, this world doesn’t

stop for physical health, this world

doesnt stop for nothing. 

So when sleep calls to me, I ignore

it, adding it to the long list

of things I was to afraid to confront,

you see, the worst thing about sleep

isn’t what you’re missing out on,

it’s what you’re not, it’s what is

present in the dark, waiting for you.

27 of 30/ 55

thought about you on the subway today/ in the car today/ on the street today/ at the mall today/ in my bed today/ 

i let my imagination run wild/ hands clutching waist/ bodies pressed together/ never realised a love could be like this

never realised I could feel/ so deep/ so wide/ so chasm like/ guess you ripped my heart open/ because all I think about is you/

but I don’t mind/ the hum of my heart/ is in tune with the bustle of my life/ with the sound of my footsteps on the sidewalk/ 

I don’t mind/ why would I/ I know this music is leading me to you/ and sooner or later/ these vivid scenarios/ will be real/ will be true/ will be us.

26 of 30/ good for something/ 54

I know I’m not good for much, just

another girl with a sob story,

know I’m nothing special, less 

worthwhile than a floor mat,  just

another girl people look past, but

despite the flaws that circle my

very being, despite the fact that I

never managed to shine bright, 

despite the knowledge that I’ve

disappeared in this galaxy of 

humanity, I know what I can do,

know that if I was put at the helm

of a ship I would guide it home 

with words, know that I’m not 

pretty, but almost resemble the 

notion when I talk about writing and

my eyes light up- So don’t

count me out just yet, every bone

in my body is made for this duty,

and every inch of my muscle 

strove to get me here, I might not

be good for much, but I’m good 

for this, good for you, so sit

back and watch me conquer, 

because I may never be fit to

control this universe, but I can

definitely control this portion.